it’s quiet

My goodness it’s quiet around here today.

The big kids are at school {which I’m still getting used to}, Stella is at her first full day of Kindergarten, & Miles is sleeping. I’m trying to enjoy it. I watched TV during the day {gasp!}, tidied up {and 30 minutes later it’s still tidy!}, painted a chair {without a little person trying to help}, ate breakfast {all by myself}. All of these things would normally delight me, but I’m feeling kind of…. lost I guess. I keep thinking about Stella eating lunch on her own at school.

Change stresses me out. Not a big surprise right? This is the case for most people I think. The problem is that this life of mine, it’sĀ always changing. A week ago, a month ago, 6 months ago, a year ago – all very different from today. And tomorrow will be too.

Life goes on. People change, they move away, babies grow up, start walking and talking. Cars break down, house are sold, summer ends.

I wish I was one of those people that finds all this change exciting. I’m simply not. It scares me, I feel left behind, forgotten, small.

The thing is I am small, but not forgotten.

I just wish everything didn’t scare me so much. I want to make friends, be involved at school, do a bible study, heck, why don’t I just go crazy and sign up for a half-marathon too? {incidentally I have in fact gone crazy and signed up for said half-marathon} These things paralyze me with fear. I’m 34 years old for crying out loud. Isn’t it time to just get it? {ps. anybody know what ‘it’ actually is?}

I really don’t have any answers, or a tidy conclusion to these thoughts.

I miss my life in Glasgow, or at least the picture I have of it in my head. That snapshot of happiness. I miss Stella with a fierceness that only she can bring out. I’m used to the idea of the big kids being at school all day, I’ve had a few years to do that. But this whole Stella-gone-all-day-at-school-thing, it’s going to take me some time.

I may have to homeschool Miles.

I think I hear the baby stirring {yay!}, I need to think of an errand to run so I can escape this for a little while, and an iced coffee can’t hurt.

How about you, do you like change? Does it excite you, or terrify you?

jx

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One thought on “it’s quiet

  1. Hi sister, I have been thinking about you after reading your post and the more I think about it, the less I know what to say to you. So I thought i’d start writing something šŸ™‚ I am sorry to hear that you feel like this, even if I am sure it’s all the time (and well done for signing up for a half marathon!).
    I like changes, I find them hard and painful but I feel like I need them after a while. And I know you’ve had a lot of changes and instability around you in the last two years but at the same time your role/personal situation hasn’t really changed in a long time. You’ve had 4 children in 9 years and as tiring as that can be it is also a comfort knowing that that’s your role and you have to physically take care of these little creatures. I do remember you saying this yourself as you were pregnant with Miles and about to leave Glasgow (the first time). In all the chaos at least you knew what your duty was.
    Now to me you are still doing a lot of taking care but maybe seeing Stella away all day and Miles approaching his first birthday throws you in a bit of panic. I think you should look a bit more into yourself, because you never really had time to do it and have been a wife and a mum pretty much just after leaving home and being a teenager. Just take baby steps, but do try to explore in that direction without being too afraid. You are a clever, funny, gorgeous girl that has so much in herself and not just to give to others.
    Having said that, I still feel a bit lonely being on my own all day, which forces me to do things – mandarin classes are my last novelty – and I need them as at times I find that “just” being a mother and a wife is not always 100% as rewarding as I would like it to be and I still don’t get it a lot of the times and I am 38!
    miss you my dear xxx

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